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Email: With Candles, You Will Always Have Power

This is either the greatest or the worst thing I’ve ever written…

Note: This email led to two job offers, half a dozen arguments, and surely saved hundreds of people from deadly electricity poisoning…
Also, I’ve removed all fundraising links out of spite. You’re welcome.

Hello, all —

My daughter’s school has enrolled her as an unpaid volunteer fundraiser via Yankee Candle Co.

If you aren’t aware of candles, they’re the things people used to light their castles after torches but before electricity. Candles are totally not obsolete because:

  • They are 100% electricity free
  • They work even when your light switches don’t
  • They only rarely start fires

You may have noticed candles in the media, on such wildly popular shows as:

THE BACHELOR

GAME OF THRONES

THE WALKING DEAD


AMERICAN HORROR STORY


SUPERNATURAL

… and lots of other TVs.

“But Thomas Edison,” you might say, “and Nikola Tesla, and Benjamin Franklin.”

4 things you don’t know about electricity:


1. Lightning is made of electricity, and lightning can kill you.
2. Electricity is one of the primal forces of nature, and may turn on us at any time, without warning.
3. Thomas Edison electrocuted an elephant.
4. Tesla? HIS best feature was his awesome mustache:

5 out of 5 unpaid volunteer fundraisers agree, you should stock up on 100% electricity-free candles TODAY, before the next hurricane, zombie apocalypse or electricity rebellion shrouds your home or workplace in eternal night.

Here are the best candles

I particularly recommend the following:

HOME SWEET HOMEĀ® JAR CANDLE
Because apparently they were smart enough to register HOME SWEET HOME as a trademark. (Also, my house DOES NOT smell like this.)

APPLE PUMPKIN JAR CANDLE
Smells good enough to eat! (Warning: do not eat.)

MACINTOSH JAR CANDLE
Why should Windows users have all the fun? (No headphone jack included.)

You should buy a candle, or two, or enough to put a couple in every room of your house with some extras in the closet just in case.

FAQs

Do these candles come with fire?
No, they do not. Fortunately, fire is widely available offline.

What if I have cats?
Then you’re probably infected with Toxoplasma gondii. No number of candles will make you better (but they certainly won’t hurt!)

Do these candles taste as good as they smell?
Almost never.

Do these candles come with instructions?
No. Please refer to the following instructions, which apply to all candles:

  1. Place candle on ground
  2. Light fuse
  3. Get away
  4. Repeat if necessary

How many people are killed by candles every year?
More than are killed by dogs, but fewer than are killed by deadly unpredictable LIGHTNING, which is made of electricity.

Are these candles hardened to withstand EMP, such as a Carrington Event, or must they be stored in a Faraday cage?
I have no idea what you are talking about!

I have more questions
Look, you should probably just buy some candles and see if you can figure it out on your own.

Take a stand

Down with big electricity! Stock up on safe, affordable, non-RFID-tagged candles today — before it’s too late!

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